Many people have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a boss or supervisor they perceived as a bully or as inconsiderate. Dealing with such a problematic relationship is sometimes made all the more difficult by the imbalance in the power or authority that each person in the relationship has. On the one hand, a certain amount of \u201cbossiness\u201d or authority comes with the territory of being a supervisor or employer. On the other hand, and as with many situations in life, being in a position of authority does not entitle anyone to abuse it. In either case, everyone is responsible for their own actions, and deciding whether to avoid or stand up to your boss is your decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When should I stand up to my difficult boss?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n How to become more assertive<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Confronting one\u2019s boss can be a tall order. Let\u2019s remind ourselves that we are not suggesting either open hostility or being too passive like a doormat. Instead, we are talking about something much trickier: assertiveness. Here are some guidelines from a very well-known researcher and psychologist, Marsha Linehan (Linehan, 1993). She developed these assertiveness recommendations as part of a treatment for helping people deal with what she termed \u201cinvalidating\u201d environments \u2013 environments where we feel criticized, given double or inconsistent messages, or where our values and self-concept feel constantly undermined. Without going into too much detail, there is pretty good scientific support behind these ideas, meaning that relationship functioning and people\u2019s self-esteem appear to be improved when the guidelines are used. Linehan developed the ideas combining Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy principles with acceptance and mindfulness skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An easy way to remember Linehan\u2019s assertiveness skills is to remember: the words \u201cDEAR MAN\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n D: DESCRIBE<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Describe the problem situation when necessary. Stick to the observable facts and do not use judgmental statements. \u201cI\u2019ve been working here for 2 years now and haven\u2019t received a raise, even though my performance reviews have always been positive\u201d Or \u201cI consistently meet deadlines and complete tasks required of me. Despite this, you tell my colleagues my work ethic is poor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n E: EXPRESS<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Express your own feelings\/opinions about the situation clearly. \u201cI believe that I deserve a raise.\u201d Or \u201cIt feels hurtful that my respect of deadlines goes unnoticed and instead I get reprimanded behind my back.\u201d Expressing your feelings helps the other person see that you take responsibility for your own actions and reactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A: ASSERT<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want. If needed, say \u201cno\u201d (or \u201cthat\u2019s not possible\u201d) clearly and repeatedly. Don\u2019t tell your boss what you think they \u201cshould\u201d do. \u201cBased on the positive evaluations, I would like a raise. Can you give it to me?\u201d Or, \u201cGiven that I consistently meet deadlines I would appreciate not being told my work is always late in front of the team.\u201d Asserting takes responsibility for your stuff and invites the other person to take responsibility for their own stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n R: REINFORCE<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Reward your boss when he or she responds positively to you. Another possibility is telling them the positive effects for them of listening to your side. \u201cI will probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company.\u201d Or \u201cif you could mention to the team when my reports are done well or are on time, team spirit would increase. That would increase everyone\u2019s productivity.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n M: MINDFUL<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep your focus on your objectives in the situation. Be respectful and stay calm. Maintain your position. If your boss does not appear to listen or to respond then keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion\u2026over and over and over. Keep a calm and even tone of voice\u2026.your strength comes from maintaining your position. In a disaster scenario where you feel humiliated or attacked, ignore your boss if he or she attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject. If you respond to these attacks, you have allowed the other person to take control of the situation (and your feelings).<\/p>\n\n\n\n A: APPEAR CONFIDENT<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Use a calm, confident tone of voice. Don\u2019t be condescending or cocky, even if the other person is acting badly. Have confident physical manner: don\u2019t intimidate, back down or slouch. Use appropriate eye contact: don\u2019t avoid or stare menacingly. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, or pounding desks. This gets easier with practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n N: NEGOTIATE<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternate solutions. If it helps (and you are willing), change (or even reduce) your request. Or, maintain your side but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way. \u201cWhat do you think we can do?\u201d \u201cI am not able to say yes, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?\u201d \u201cHow can we solve this problem?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A really difficult boss?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, using the above assertiveness skills is easy. However, with a difficult or bullying supervisor, it can be quite challenging. Remember that your boss may have really good (or manipulative) interpersonal skills too, and may keep refusing your legitimate requests, or pestering you to do something you don\\\u2019t want to do. In this case, here are some suggestions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Describe the current interaction: \u201cYou keep asking me over and over again even though I have already said no.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Express your opinions \/ feelings of discomfort about the interaction: \u201cI\u2019m not sure that you understand what I am asking\u201d \u201cI\u2019m starting to feel upset about this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Assert your wishes: \u201cI would prefer to discuss this further at another time.\u201d \u201cPlease think this over and get back to me.\u201d \u201cPlease stop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Reinforce: \u201cI am not going to change my mind on this one. Maybe we should agree to disagree and just end this conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reference<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Linehan MM (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n We are here to help you.\n
<\/em><\/strong>For more information on our services, or for help on deciding which of our team psychologists to choose, don\u2019t hesitate to contact our clinic coordinator<\/a> at 514-337-2473, ext. 0, and it is with great pleasure that we will discuss with you the psychological services we can offer you.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n